The Metal Gear Solid Winning Epic Fail Fic
by fanfactualfactory
Summary: Join in on the cooky adventures of Old Snake Mcgee as he and his friends, Otacon, Leon, Wolverine, Link, and many others set out to change the world with the power of love, friendship, and huge amounts of erotic sexual tension.


**~WRITERS COMMENT~**  
>Okay! This is the first posted fan fic from FanFactualFactory by me, Syrup Snake! I kinda maybe sorta tried some thought into this fail fic but am mainly using this "to be saga" for just throwing out what ever garbage comes to mind. All of it is non-profit and in good fun. I do not own Metal Gear or any other series here. All characters belong to their respectful owners. And just in case... I don't own Canada and I actually love and respect it and it's peeps. Prepare for countless references. No sex in this story... Yet. Just A LOT of MM sexual tension. Have fun with it and there might be more. God... Might there be more...  
><strong>~WRITERS COMMENT END~<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>The Metal Gear Solid Winning Epic Fail Fic<strong>

**Chapter 1: Past Insurerection**

Once upon a time, Solid snake was sleeping in him hammok, dreaming very peacefully n' stuff. When all of a sudden, his codec went off suddenly playing the musical score of John Williams's Jurrasic Park theme right in Snakes ear. Waking up to such a delightfull musical, Snake couldn't help but smile even though more sleep was desired. Reaching in to his pants, he flicked the switch to simply turn his codec to vibrate and went back to sleep. Waking up once more, he finally decided to answer the next codec call

"Whats?" Said Snack as he pressed his finger beneath his ear while looking around a room. Ever since the end of his last adventure, Old Snake decided to live in a trailer house in the peacfull canada. The only thing bad about moving to canada was that he couldn't get married and live out the rest of his days in peace with sex. Why couldn't he get married? Because there are no women in the Canadas. There where even more no women on the internet and Snake new that too. He even knew that if any one said they where a girl, they where not because every person who says they are is really a guy. In fact he even caught Otacon under the name BigVaginera35. Many people might have thought that Sunny was using the internet, but she wasn't because Otacon was only pretending to let her.

"Snake, I'm almost to your place! Are you ready yet?" The gruff voice crackled over the codec. Snake looked over at his clock and realised he slept through his alarm "Oh rasberries!" Yelled Snake as he threw off his covers. Not bothering to take a shower, brush his teeth, or even comb his hair, snake still looked dead sexy to go out side. He then put on his pants and flanal shirt. He then walked out of his house to see his buddy Logan pulling up the drive way in his beat up oldies truck "Mornin sun shine!" Logan called out while honking the horn a few times

"Ya ya ya, I'm comin!" Snake yelled back as he finish buttoning up his shirt while walking towards the truck "Hi Logan." Said Snake "Whats up bub?" Said Logan "Nothin." Said Snake "Okay." Said logan "How you gonna chops wood today?"Asked Snake. Wolverine's claws shot out of his wrist to show to snake "With these babies." Logan then used the claws to point to the dead babies in the backseat "What about you bub?" "With the nokia missles luncher." Said snake "Well where is it bub?" "In my back pocket." "With the missles and all?" "Nope." Snake pointed at his bandana "Infinit ammo."

Snake and Logan later on known as Wolverine, drove off in the beat up ol truck to go lumber wood to creat hockey sticks then play hocky because there was nothing else to do in canada but play hockey. After a while they stopped at the lumber yard and went to work. Logan chucked babies as hard as he could while snake shot the trees with missles. After a good days work, Snake stuffed the missle launcher in to his back pocket while looking at Logan.

"You know bub…" Logan said as he slowly stepped closer "I just can't quite you bub." He said while placing a hand upon snakes shoulder, still closing in the distance "Well…" Snake looked longingly in to Logans eyes "I think it's about-" Suddenly snakes codec went off, breaking off the palpable sexul tention between the two "Fuck the what do you want?" Codec yelled in to his Snake "Snake, its an emergincies!" "What is it Otacon?" "Sunny is missing!" "I'll be right thar!"

Snake walked in to the place with otacon in it "Any idea who had taken her?" Snake said slaming through door and went up to Otacon who was only in his boxers with it's front fully tented "Well I came down this morning to find my computer was on. Sunny apparantly got on to my internet porn! But when I came down after hearing some one saying that they like their girls sunny side up she was then gone and these muddy paw prints from some bear like creature where every where!" He pointed at the paw prints all over "Do you think the bear had eaten her?" Snake asked while looking around "I don't know.. I didn't see any blood any where." "Either way, we gotta find her before a thing bad happens!" "Right! I even got your octo suit all fixed up for you." "Thanks, I'll go change right now!" "Okay I'll watch!" Once Snake suited up and otacon dropped his tent to ran out to Logann's truck who was waiting out side. From there they tracked the bear all the way to the nearest city

"!" Otacon shrieked right in to Snake's ear "What?" "Wkae up! We are hear in the city. Your getting to old for your own good." "I wish I wasn't." Grumbled Snake. To all of their supriese, the city was surprisingly emptied. Getting out of the truck, they  
>all looked around "Where is every one?" Asked otacon "There doesn't seem to be any one hear at all…" Said snake while peering in to every window "N." Said logan as he sniffed around a little "There are plenty of 'things' here…" Poping out his claws, Wolverine was ready for any thing.<p>

"Wait…" Wolverine held out a hand to stop "I think I here some thing." He said while drawing out his claws "What is-" Snakes sentence was cut off as a person off in the distance came around a street corner "There's some one over there!" Otacon shouted before running off towards lone person "Octacon! WAT!" Snake yelled as he sprinted. Otacon quickly closed the distance till the person was zombie looking "Are… Are you okay?" Otacon stuttered while looking over the person who's cloths where stained with blood. When the person turned to look at Otacon, it exposed that half of the flesh on his face was gone along with cloths "Green hoarse shits!" Otacon yelled in surprise and stumbled back as the person tourned and ran at him, moaning without out cloths "A ZOMBIE!" Otacon cried in terror before peeing him self and the zombie which would sting those open wounds but the zombie was dead so he didn't mind. In mere seconds, Snake pumped about 3 hundred bullets in to the walking naked zombie before helping otcamacon up "My hero!" Said otacon "It's not over yet!" Yelled Snake as he wathced more zombies cum around other corners "Where are they all cuming from?" Snake asked before watching Wolverine run by like a rabbit dog and jump in to a piles of zombies "Otacon, take cover!" Snakes pulled out dual pistols and shot the hell out ofa bunch of zombies as Wolverine tore them like dirty bed sheets even though none of them had cloths.

Even though Logan was getting bitten here and there and every once in a while, it didn't matter because he is Wolverine with healing. "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-guys…" Otacon stammered while looking back towards the truck "Theres even more… A lot more!" They all turned to look and see "We gotta get out of hear!" Said wolverine "No." Snake said, stopping Logan "We gotta find out wats happened!" The other two looked at each other then Snake "Okay."Then they ran off at the city.

Night was starting to settle in as they ran around city, slicing and shooting through Zombie after zombie. they caught sight of giant gathering of zombies around a big mall like shoping center "That's the biggest crowd we have seen yet! Lets check it out!" Said Logan before breaking open the window to a car and hijacking it "Get in!" He told the car.

Snake and that other person got in to the back seat before Logan went forward, driving the car straight through zombies that where like a mall around the wall. He also droved the car through the large glass doors to get in. Once inside, the car had broken down and would not go any futher with so much glass and zombies in it's engin. When out, they all went for the nearest store which was a sports store. They rode out of the store on skateboards with baseball bats and golf clubs for amunition to keep away zombies.

Skating as fast as they could, they proseeded further and further in to the the mall while pounding every zombie they came by with weapons. But eventually they cam to a dead end. Cuming to a stop, otacon turns to face the crowd of zombies as they closed in "Oh no!" Said otacon. The wall behind them rumbled shortly before bursting wide open "OH YAH!" Said the Koolaid as he ran in and attacked otacon by tackling him "Nooooo!" Otacon screamed as he was being slowly crussed by the naked giant glass man "Shit!" Yelled Snake as he started shooting it all over it's glass body "He's like a tank so nothing working!" He stoped shooting and watched otacon struggle "What the hell should I do? Not even my RPG could put a dent in that armor!" "Snaaaaaake!" Yelled Otacon "You're supposed to drink all of his sugary goodness in order to be able to stop him!" "I'm on it!" Snake yelled as he dived right in to chug down the entire picture.

As wolverine faught off more zombies, Snake continued to drink the liquidy goodness down to it's very last drop and even licked nice and clean before hopping out and rolling the glass man off his friend "Thanks you." Said Hal as Snake looked over at the Koolaid who was rolling around saying "Aw! My stomach! I don't feel so good! Why do you hurt me so much?" Snake then growled at him before yelling "Eat lead fatty!" He then chucked a granade inside the empty talking piture and watched the explosion send glass every where.

They all then excaped through the hole the Koolaid made. The next room they came to was a big one because it was the center of the mall. Oodly enough there where no zombies in this sector other than the ones cuming through the hole they came through. But naked zombies where to slow and stupid to follow very quickly "Do you hear that?" Logan said as he looked up at sky light "Ya, I do now… Hind Dees." Said snake. They watched two of them fly over and past while the third one stopped over head. Some thing shot at the glass and shattered it all forcing Snake and the others to seek shelter from the falling shards.

They watched as a single man cane down on a rope soon followed by four other swat-ish guys "Who are you?" Yelled Snake, catching the center masked man's attention "Brother!" The man announced while holding up his arms "Glad you could make it too the party! We where just about to light the fireworks too." Snake pulled out a rifle and pointed it at the center man "Liquid? But how?""CORRECTION BROTHER!" The man then pulled off his mask to reviele his face "Ocelot!" Snake looked entinsly at the rotted flesh of Ocelot's face "ZOMBIE LIQUID OCELOT!" Snake yelled in surprise at the worst kind.

"YES! Zombie indeed! And it's all thanks to you Snake!" Zombie Liquid Ocelot held off on giving his men any sort of order to fire just yet "And all thanks to that little Foxdie virus that when in your chest durring our grand battle! I certainly did mutate and for that I was one of it's targets, it managed to find it's self in my system as I laid out on the brink of death. Slowly I slipped away through the bright light only to be pulled back the the virus that mutated further within my corpse!"

Otacon gasped upon the realization "You recreated the T-virus you dick!" Zombie Liquid Ocelot Smiled as he spoke "Exactly! And now I'm using it to rebuild this wrechid world one plan at a time." Otacon suddly bursted out with "Quick Snake! Get this over with! Just shoot him in the head! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!" Zombie Liquid Ocelot then looked at Snakes rifle and said "Go a head. A head shot won't work this time."

Ker-blam! sNAKE fIRED THE SHOT DEAD ON BUT TO NO EFFECT OTHER THAN Killing about 50 other zombies "Bwahahahawawa! I told you so!" Zombie Liquid Ocelot's head healed right up where the bullet went threw "So do you plan on killing me with these frakish zombies!" Snake yelled "No Mr Snake! I expect you to die!" Zombie Liquid Ocelot Pointed at teh group "Get them!" The zombies filled the room and started to attack some more.

The SWAT lookin people started firing as well forcing our heros to duck behind cover. Right after the SWAT guys ran out of ammo while Snake and friends rekilled more zombies, Zombie Liquid Ocelot pointed at them and yelled "Just give up! You have no choice! Do you hear me?" He cleared his throat "SNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"  
>"MOTHER FUCKER!" Otocon sudenly yelled as he suddenly sprinted from his cover and suprisingly tackled Zombie Liquid Ocelot "You line stealing MOTHER FUCKER!" He yelled angerly while proceeding to beat the unliving tar out of Zombie Liquid Ocelot<p>

So many curses where yelled as the SWAT guys tried thier very best to pry Otacon from Zombie Liquid Ocelot as his face was turning in to a bloody mess "I WILL BEAT YOUR FACE!" Otamacon yelled as he torn off a chunk of shirt and proceded to slam the poor deffencless man in the face "Re-retreat! Retreat!" Zombie Liquid Oceclot choked out just before the men where able to pry him away from such a death grip. Octano then proceded to take out the rest of his nerd rage on the poor SWAT people while one took Zombie Liquid Ocelot back up to his hellicoptur. But many zombies where closing in on our heroes when suddenly...!

*Zombie ate footage*

So back at the base, Snake and the others chilled out "Luckily that stars people team showeded up." Said snake while sitting on the coutch "Yeah, responded otacon "For that I feel sory for any one who missed out on the fight that Leon and Snake had on the roof." They high fived "And even when Wolvernen clawed that Boomer! HA! That was pricedless!" "Hey!" Shouted Logan "At least I wasn't the one getting freaky with the damn Spitter!" Otacon suddenly slammed his fist on the table "Hey! She was asking for it! She had on a short skirt!" Snake suddenly cut in "Just, no more dead jokes you two!" He growned whil leening back "I had enough of them to last me a life time."  
>"The camera is ready!" Said Frank West as he steped in "Now every body say cheeeese!" he said before clicking the button and taking a fucking picture.<p>

"So where are you off to next Frank?" Asked otacon "Oh, I'm off to make help people make a game about taking pictures of certain events and sites to build up points... Um what did I say the titles was?" "Pokemon Snap?" "Thats right. Dunno what could be any more exciting and photo worthy than that sort of material. Any ways. I have to cross threw town to get there, any one mind if I take the lawnmoar?" The rest shake there head and he leaves. "I should get going too." Said Wolverine "The proffesor will be pissed if he finds out that I've been in canada." She left too.

Otacon cleared his throat "So any ways... What do we do next otacon? How do we kill Zombie Liquid Ocelot?" "So you're asking... How do we kill... What has no life?" "Yes! That's exactly it. But how in the world-Wait... I got it!" Otacon snapped his fingers "Follow me Snake, I know just where to go!" They hiked on foot far and wide over many mountains and through many uncut and very boring footage that is some times pretty to watch but gets old quick "Over here Snake!" Called otacon making Snake put aside his half eatin dead rabbit. Otacon pointed across the vast body of water and spoke in a loving tone as he admired the view "Hogwarts sure look beautiful this time of day."

Once they arived inside a girl came up to meet the two of them saying "High! Welcum to Hogwurtz!" The cheery girl spoke with her hands clasped together and held over her waist "My nam is dally!1! Im the reeding and riting enstructoor here!" Snake then shot her in the face with guns before moving on. Otacon stopped to lift of the girls skirt and said "I love bumblebees."

"So whats the plan?" Asked snake when otacon caught up "Well you see if we can probably learn magic that will not only take care of the dead, but even put Zombie Liquid Ocelot pepermintly out of the picture!" "Oh I get cha!" Said snake excitedly "Right! Lets get our asses in to a class!" Hal said before high fiving snake.

They walk in to a class and sit the fuck down. Snake looked to his side "Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" It was Leon again who saidz "Hi Snake! It's me, Leon Kennedy!" "Looks like you STARZ guys had the same idea!" "Sure did!" Added in Chris Redfield "We where thinking of making a speel that summonms Anti-Zombie Zombies! Then out problem will be solved!" Chris grinned "Fantastic idea!" Shouted Hal Emric before asking "What class are we in BTW?" At that point a girl stepped right in saying "Haai! Im Daly and this is also tha taining persdon 4 teh dark artz." "WFT!" Yelled Snake in a furious manner slamming his fist on the desk. Dally Continued "And these is my boy frind Edwurd." She then leaned over an fully kissed the pasty skiny white sparkling poison spewing mutant blood drinking thing on the mouth and the the ear with the tongue and all before moving up to the front of the class.

"U ser do not gett a gold star at al todey sir!" She pointed at Snake before "And don't temt meh agan. im master of artz and know 1 nows art of ANY soort butter thun I!" Snake then chucks his giant active chainsaw across the room. It hits the floor, sprawling about like a fish and takes out her legs leaving her to bleed screem and die again "Snnnnaaaaaake!" Looked otacon "How are we suposed to learn dark arts if you keep on killing the teachers here?" Snake shrugs.  
>"Well Stop it!"<br>"I can't and if it's her again, I'm gonna loose it for good."

Leon turns over and says "Sanke, you probably shouldn't be smoking in cl-ahhhhh!" He was interuped by Snake balling the cig up with his fist and punching it right in to leon's ear.  
>"Ow! ow! ow! Fuck yes!" Shouted leon, taking a sadistic love to the pain "Do it again!" But he couldn't because the new teacher walked in.<p>

"Hi I'm Ganondwarf your teacher on darkness stuff and I'm 2 days away from retirment any question?" Snake raises his hand.  
>"Yes? You there with the sexy mulet cut."<br>"Are you a zombie?"  
>"No. Any other questions?"<br>Chris raises his hands  
>"Yes, you there, the one who can't stop scratching his crotch."<br>"Why do you look like a zombie?"  
>"Because you're gay. Next question."<br>Otacon raises his hand "Oh! Mememe!"  
>"What?"<br>"Do you eat brains like a zombies and then grow wings when you wrap your self up in your cocoon?"  
>"Would this answer your question?"<p>

Ganon then dropped his pants for Otacon to look and Hal noded "Half. I'm good."  
>"Very well then! Let us begin shall we?" He quirked a thick red brow before taking his stands behind the wooden thing that they have in front of thier classes, what ever the fuck they are called, and grabbed his wand and flung it about and started teaching them stuff. But after class when Snake and friends walked out, they where comfronted by some deuchy person with white slicked back white hair and many other sparly vampire like fetures "Look! Its more muggles! How are you pethetic worms doing? Tis I, malfloy, your' magical superior in all ways." He smirked and laughed with his two fatties "No body calls me a fucking muggle!" Yelled Snake<p>

"Then we shall have a Magic Off whih is what that we do here for magic fighting stuff! Wands only!" Grined the pale person "Right! Lets go!" Snake nodded as they stepped in the fighting ring and readied thier wands. Snake flung his wand around "Abracadabera!" And he launched a fire ball at mulfloy but malfly magiced it off to the side. *Hmm...* Snake thought *Nice deffence. I should try a different approach then...* Snake stepped in closer as Molfy anounced "Ready to try again?" Snake then waved his wand around yelling "Sexy nojitsu!" And poof! Snake became a hot naked lady For mallfluy to look at, but nothing happened there! Instead Snake was hit with a pillow full of rocks out of mid air "Ha!" Laughed melfloy "Jokes on You! That would never work on a fucking fruit like me!"

"Wrong!" Yelled Snake right after he was hit then dissapeared making smellfoy yell in suprise "A shadow clone!" But he realized it too late as Snake stabbed his wand right in to Melphloy's neck from behind for the kill! The fan fair music played as blood sprayed every where and the crowd chanted Snakes name. Otacon ran right through the crowd to give Snake a big hug and wet kiss "You're the best Snake!"  
>"I know."<br>"But did you have to neck wand stab him?"  
>"Yup. Ran out of manna."<p>

An old voice boomed ever the crowd "Congratulations! You pased the test!" Said the tall wizard dressed in blue with a long white bear "This little bastard has been in my school for far to long and no one else had the balls to sweep him out. Not even that Potter pussy. But you...!" He pointed at snakes crotch "Now those are some brass balls!"

Alovasuden out of know where the wall broke open! Before Snake could fire a missle at the metal gear, it stopped. Link climbed out of the head and dropped down for people to see him. Every one was confessed. He started waving his hands in sexy rythym as he tried to explain. Little did every one know, But Link didn't talk. He rapped. "Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped right upside down. I'd like to take a moment so sit right there, and let me tell ya how I got that metal gear right over there. Up in Kokiri where I was born n' raised and at the tree house is where I spent most of my days. Chillin and relaxing and playing all cool while shooting some sling shot right after school. Then this green guy was up to no good and started making trouble in the neighborhood! I got in one little fight which wasn't so cool the tree said for me to see Zelda up in Hyrule!I whistled for my horse and when she came near, I got on that stallion and slapped her in the rear! For a moment I felt like a tool but then I said 'Nah forget it! So onward to Hirule'! I pulled up to the castle about 7 or eight to tell the princess 'smell ya lata'! I stepped from the kingdom to Ganon's lair and that's where I found the metal gear right over there!"

Ganon's jaw dropped "My sick ride hath been stollen? And my plans ruined NOOOOOOOO!" He cried, throwing fists in the air "Traitor!" Yelled snake before head butting the green wizard. "That shit was wack jack!" Yelled Link while watching gannons hit the ground. "no voilance u too!" said dally running in speed. Snake picked her up and slapped her. A baby pupped out. With suprise he slapped her more times with babies pupping out each times "no mu babys!" dally yelled terror. Snake then grabbed an idea and got dally in his hands to shove his rocket launcher up down her flacid vag. Pointing her and the weapon at Ganon, snake fired to send rocket at him with dally. She hit him and they all died quietly so the Hogwarts place wouldn't be on alert to ruin the solitare radar signal. "What was that?" Octacon spoke to snake. Snake looks over mad "I call it a... Silence-her." they all loled. They all turned to Link "So why are you here?" "I'm here with a metal gear to kick evil in the rear finding the factory with zombie to be so I can destroy it like a toilet." Link sayed. "Makes perfect cents!" shouted snake with fists pumping. "Right ill hack this metal gear to pin point the location of said factory! Then we can make like sneaky over to destroy all their base!" Smiled a Otacon. Plan in motion, every one worked hard to get there.

TO BE CONTINUED MAYBE AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE AFTER THIS ONE.

Till then I fucking love you bye.


End file.
